Thursday, November 10, 2011

Faith

From past three months, things were getting worst with me. Daily Sadhna was the only source making me alive……..losing confidence and trust because of someone has cheated me. So much pain and suffering has made me disturbed from within. Basically am smiling and spreading smile around type of person but the changes was so hard that I lost my inner peace….that make me angry, I was crying for help and fight with HIM that HE now don’t care for me and busy with HIS other activities and have no time for someone who lives so far from HIM. Sometimes I felt, I have done some big mistake that’s why HE is punishing me and all sorts of bad feelings were arising for HIM and for me.

Last Monday was extreme painful and about to die feeling though I was not suicidal but you can say …. Living physically only and died from the heart. At that time I saw one of my friend online, who is working in Bangalore Ashram. I Said JGD to her.

I wrote: “I am dying in this suffering and now lost all myself and this pain is unbearable to live. Is HE in Ashram?”
She replied: “Yes”
I wrote: “Can you do me a favor, can you please pray on my behalf … when you go to Satsang today evening? Pray that I am in dilemma and I am about to take some decision, just tell HIM to be with me”
She replied: “Why don’t you write email to me whatever is your problem and I will take print out of this and will handover it to HIM today’s Satsang”
I wrote: “OK, will sent it in 5 mins”
I wrote all my heart out in that email and sent to her, day passed out with uneasiness, felt terribly painful and waiting for some change in me.

Second day morning saw her online and asked her, JGD, have you handover my email to HIM?
She replied: sorry I was not able to do that as HE has not appeared in satsang.
I didn’t say anything and burst out in tears because I thought my only hope is also drains…HE was never mine, I have done some great mistake. My faith and trust is going to an end as it was the day when I have to finalize my decision and HE was not able to hear my prayer.
She wrote me again that she would do it again in Satsang, but I have no faith left. Day passed-on in pain and in evening at the time of decision, some energy was telling me to have patience, leave everything up to HIM, give time to yourself, everything will be fine, whatever is best for you that will happen. I don’t know what was happening and I returned home in peace. NO idea what happened to me and what HE is doing with me.
Third-day morning saw her online but no strength to ask,
She buzzed me: “JGD, I have passed-on your e-mail to HIM”
I wrote: “JGD, how….was HE there, will HE read it?”
She replied: “I have handed over it to HIM when he was in the car and leaving for airport that means he has only one thing to do that time!!”
I asked: “What?”
She replied: “Reading your e-mail :)”
I was out of words; everything stopped around me and has no idea what to reply. After some moments I was able to say only “Thanks”
I realize why I was able to decide strongly that evening because at the same time HE was reading my e-mail. How fortunate we all are that we are connected to HIM. The grace, the bliss HE is showering on us every day, every night….in all good and not so good time, no words can express them. When you try to remember those moments…. you would able to feel HIS love even in present. HE is always there to look after you, to cherish you with your smallest wish and show the greatest love no one else can ever give.
Jai Gurudev
Vibhuti


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